Aftermath
by Someone aka Me
Summary: In the aftermath, they know it is wrong. In the moment, though. knowing doesn't seem to matter as much as it probably should. :: Rodolphus/Rabastan
1. Chapter 1

For Gamma, because Gamma, it is entirely your fault that I ship this, and there really isn't enough of them to go around.

Written for Gamma's Incestuous Challenge.

I cannot explain why Rodolphus thinks like a normal person and Rabastan thinks in a jumbled mess.

.

He lies in the bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering how the hell this even happened. His brother – his _brother_, oh _God_ – lies next to him, spent in more ways than one, and Rodolphus contemplates how incredibly _wrong_ this moment is. He can't, _won't_, sleep. They can't be found like this, after all, but still, he struggles to bring himself to leave. Rabastan looks unusually peaceful, for once.

_This shouldn't have happened_.

But it did and they can't take it back – and he's not sure he could bring himself to will it to unhappen, even if that were possible. He's wanted it – though he hasn't allowed himself to acknowledge that he's wanted it – for far too long to let go so easily.

_But, oh, God, this shouldn't have happened. If anyone ever finds out..._

They won't. They _can't_, because if anyone ever finds out they are _ruined_, both of them. It can't happen.

He slides reluctantly out of the bed, wincing as the chilly air hits him, and collects his clothes from around the room. He slips them back on, but then he glances briefly back at Rabastan, who even in his sleep has somehow managed to twist his expression into one that seems put out at Rodolphus' departure.

It very nearly stops him, thinking about what Rabastan will think when he wakes alone – _he'll think you feel guilty, and you _do_, so what's wrong with that? But it will hurt him, and you hate that._

He wars with himself, but the logical part wins and he walks away, collapsing into his own bed, just as sleepless as before.

.

Rabastan wakes up alone as he normally does yet it feels like something's missing, and he _remembers._ He remembers the feeling of his lips and the skin-on-skin sensation that made him feel like he was on _fire_, and _oh, God, what have we done? _is accompanied by the fact that he desperately wants it to happen again.

It seems like a conflict but it's quickly evident that the latter argument is stronger, and that scares him just a little bit because it makes him feel a little out of control. Logic isn't winning, and that's scary but at the same time it's a rush and he can't seem to rein it in.

He collects and dons his clothing, marching out of the room with every intention of talking to his brother about this – really having a discussion, about why it happened and what happens now and where do they go from here?

None of that actually happens.

What actually happens is Rabastan freezes in the doorway of his brother's room and Rodolphus stands silently and strides over to him and they know it's wrong and it shouldn't have happened and it can't happen again and no one can know, but _they _know and they can't _un_know and that's too much because he's _there_, right there – _tooclosetooclosetooclose_ – and Rabastan just pushes himself up on his toes and kisses his brother fiercely and it starts all over again.

It's wrong, they know it's wrong, but it doesn't seem to matter what they know, because this isn't about knowing – it's about feeling.

It doesn't seem fair that something _so wrong_ can feel this _right._


	2. Chapter 2

_A very happy birthday to Gamma Orionis! I hope you enjoy it, love!_

.

It's silent.

Both of them are wondering what the hell they are doing, what the hell this is, but neither of them want to break the silence to ask, because that would require acknowledging this. Acknowledging it out loud.

That makes it all too real.

The silence, though, is deafening. Eventually — surprisingly — it is Rabastan that breaks it.

"What are we doing, Rod?"

Rodolphus mutters an explicative that doubles as an answer to his question and Rabastan is tempted to laugh but he doesn't, not aloud, because he knows this conversation needs to happen and it won't if he laughs — because they'll laugh it off and never bring it up again.

"I'm serious. What are we doing?"

Rodolphus isn't meeting his eyes, which strikes Rabastan as odd, because that's usually his role. "I don't know, Rabastan."

And Rabastan isn't really sure how to respond to that. He's used to cool, calm, in charge Rodolphus. Because that's how Rodolphus is. Even if he has absolutely no idea what to do, he knows enough to bluff it. Rabastan isn't really sure he's ever heard Rodolphus admit to not knowing something before.

"This is wrong." The words escape Rabastan's mouth in a whisper, before he even knows that he intends to say them. He has unconsciously ducked his head, and he lifts it now to finally meet Rodolphus' gaze.

"Yes, it is." Rodolphus' voice is cool.

"But it still happened." Rabastan isn't sure why, but he's still whispering. "And that means something."

Something flares in Rodolphus' eyes. "It doesn't mean anything, Rabastan! It doesn't mean anything because it _can't_ mean anything, all right? It _can't_!"He turns his back to his brother and Rabastan watches his shoulders rise and fall too quickly and he knows that no matter how much it _shouldn't_ mean anything, that doesn't mean it _doesn't_ mean anything.

Only he isn't sure how to say that, so all he says is, "But it _does_."

"It can't!" Rodolphus yells, whirling back around. Rabastan shrinks back, wrapping his hands around his knees in an unconsciously protective gesture, and Rodolphus deflates immediately. "I'm sorry, Rab," he murmurs. "I'm sorry. It's just…"

"I know," Rabastan says. "I know." But he doesn't move. Rodolphus sighs, and he takes two steps forward toward Rabastan's position at the end of the bed. He extends a hand and places it softly on Rababan's shoulder. Without thinking, and as he has done so many times before, Rabastan twists and buries his face in Rodolphus' chest.

"Nothing can change, Rabastan."

Rabastan lets out a slow breath. "I know that. But it still will. Maybe not because of this, but it will. You're leaving."

"I have to."

"I know that."

When Rabastan leaves the room minutes later, he doesn't really feel like they've settled anything at all.


End file.
